IKnowWhereYouLive
by Judge-Douglas-Mason
Summary: BSR emerging relationship
1. Chapter 1

DDisclaimer: Nope, not mine. Wish they were, but they're not. Que Sera Sera

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Sometimes, usually when I can't sleep, I go for a walk. Thing is, I always find myself at the same place, sitting under the same tree, on the same patch of grass, looking up at the same window wondering what she's doing. I wouldn't call it "stalking" though. I think of it more like "I can't work up the nerve to ask her out". So I sit and wonder what it would be like to spend time with her away from work and the meals we, as a team, share on a fairly regular basis.

When we all go out she always sits next to me, tries my food and when she's out of her drink, be it water, coffee or iced tea, she'll drink from my glass. This doesn't bother me in the least, as I think it shows that she's very comfortable with me and my presence. A couple of times she'd scooted her chair up next to mine so that we were nearly touching and her arm touching mine. It was almost as though I could feel the heat from her body adding to the heat of mine.

At the lab, during a few semi-private moments, usually in the break room or an evidence processing room, she'd touch me ever so slightly and smile. But then there are the times when she'd put her hand on my arm or knee and lean in close to me and rest her head on my shoulder. She's much more tactile with me than she used to be. When she first came out here she pretty much kept to herself and was really kind of on the bitter side. Now its like she's found her family...and we ARE a family, all of us, no matter how dysfunctional we might be.

I think of Gil as the distant father, Catherine as the ever present, demanding mother figure. Warrick and Nick are as the older brothers and Greg like the younger, more spacey, hyper-active brother. And me, well, I'm not exactly sure where I fit in. Maybe I'm an uncle of sorts, or maybe a cousin. Its this "family" type relationship that has held me back, for the most part, from expressing my true feelings for her. I'd feel like I were some dirty old man, hitting on some young thing; a pervert of sorts, perhaps.

As I sit watching her window that I realize that nothing is going to change between us until and unless I do something about it. But what, and how? Sitting under "my" tree, I try to think on how I might approach her.

But maybe its all in my head. After all, what would a young beauty like her want with a middle-aged, cranky cop? I've been a cop almost as long as she's been alive which doesn't make things any easier. I'm not in the best shape, either. I've got my receding hairline, which she says she loves, my paunch, which she hasn't mentioned, but pinches often and my skin is beginning to sag. Maybe some botox might help. Maybe not, as I remember the James girl from a few years back.

I'm sitting, more or less, out of view of the passing cars coming and going and as I continue to think, I wonder how she'd react if she knew that all I want to do is to hold her in my arms and love her in a way that I know she needs. She hasn't had much success in the lovin' department. There was the "Hank" fiasco, then there's the always present "Grissom" factor. I know she still has feelings for him and he for her, though he'd never admit it, neither to himself nor to anyone else. I don't know what his deal is. He's way too guarded. He lets people in, only as much as he wants, but at the same time he shuts everyone out. How can a man of his years live his life the way he's been for as long as he has? No personal relationships, nothing out of work. After shift he either hangs around the lab going through the piles of paperwork or goes home and lives in his "bubble". Hindsight being 20/20, I guess I'm a bit like him in certain aspects, save for letting people in and developing relationships with those I work with. Getting Gil to share an after work meal is almost like pulling teeth.

It's a warm morning and as I continue to gaze up at her window my cell goes off. I pull it from my pocket and to my surprise its Sara. She says she can't sleep and wonders what I'm doing. Oh, if she only knew. If she only knew I was sitting outside her window looking up at her she'd probably freak out; think me a freak. As we continue to talk, I can see that she's opening her sliding balcony door and leaning against the rail, her back to me. Then she says something that makes me nervous like I've never been before. She flatly, but with a hint of a laugh, tells me to come on up. She knows that I'm down here, but what does she think of it?

She tells me to come in before it starts raining and as I look up at the sky I can see the clouds forming and the sky has turned an ominous shade of a light charcoal. As I stand up and approach her building she turns round' and smiles as she waves me up.

My heart is beating hard in my chest as I climb the steps and when she opens her door I offer my best pseudo-smile and enter. We sit on the couch and as I watch her pace the length of the floor in her apartment I try to rid my mind of all the thoughts I'd been thinking over the past hour or so.

After fifteen minutes or so, she sits, turning to face me. She places her hand on my knee and smiles. Beginning to think not so wholesome thoughts, I quickly stand up and face her, suggesting we take a walk. The rain doesn't bother me and even if it were snowing I'd gladly take a walk with her, even if only to have her beside me.

Without benefit of coat or jacket, we set out and begin down the sidewalk towards Trop. Walking and talking, she doesn't notice the "do not cross" signal and as she steps off the curb, I grab her hand and more or less yank her back up onto the walk just in time to avoid a quite messy accident. When a pedestrian takes on a dump truck, its usually the truck that wins. She turns to me and I can see by her heaving chest that she was a bit scared. Looking at me, after a few moments, she smiles.

"I owe you my life." she says

Without hesitation Jim replied.

"Not your life, just the chance to live it with you."

Oh, my God. Did I actually say that or just think it? Judging by the look on her face, I think the former. She's quiet now and as we cross the street I can't help but think that I've made quite possibly the biggest mistake in my life. I looked at her, trying to gauge her reaction but found nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

Borrowed: Time Ago--Black Lab

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Sara -----------

Jim just said the most curious thing. After heaving me up off my heels and back onto the walk, when I expressed my gratitude, he said he wanted to live his life with me, or something to that effect. Truth be told, I never much thought of Jim in that way, but given what he's just said, I find myself wondering "why not?". I mean, he's kind, generous, magnanimous, witty and easy on the eyes. That is if you go for the short, stocky, grumpy sort...Jim can be so complex at times. I've known him for years and he's one of my best friends; one of my best friends that I've seen naked, but then I suppose he's seen me naked as well (naughty thoughts). But it wasn't even like that. It was right after a long, tedious and very messy shift in which Jim pulled me from a huge pile of human and animal parts that the team had found in the woods near Lake Meade at some sort of dumping ground. It was the most rank thing I'd ever seen, let alone had the displeasure of being submerged in. Immediately following my extrication, Jim and I covered the seats of his car in plastic and drove back to the lab, at Grissom's request.

In the beginning we kept our backs to each other, not wanting to see more than we should, but my curiosity got the better of me and I peeked. It was just a little peek, which is not to say that Jim is small in that department, but to say that I only looked briefly. I remember thinking to myself that for someone his age, was in pretty good shape. Sure he's got a bit of a belly on him, but what 50'ish man doesn't? Just as I was about to turn round' and go back to scrubbing all the funk from my body, he turned and looked at me, smiling. I grinned and he said he knew I had a tattoo, but never expected it to be "there". All I could do was offer an awkward smile and my own witty retort in the form of ⌠I knew you had chest hair, but, DAMN. You're a bear." He blushed and turned away from me, almost if sulking. To this, I said, "That's good. I like bears, so plump and cuddly." He laughed and after that, since shift, at that point, was almost over, we went out for dinner...or breakfast, depending on how you look at it.

Jim -------------

Whenever I go on my walkabouts and find myself in front of Sara's apartment, the same song running through my head. I know not many people my age listen to "Black Lab", but for some reason their music appeals to me; and the one song in particular.

I watch your window for hours

The moon has set down without us

All by ourselves riding in the front seat watch the sun come up

All by ourselves we would run. Remember?

It was long ago. It was so long ago

Feel your hand close beside me

Hear the highway behind me

All by ourselves we made love under the sleeping moonless night

All by ourselves we would run. Remember?

It was long ago. It was so long ago

I couldn't stop you crying or stop myself from fighting back

I tried, but never hard enough Don't you remember, love?

All by myself I can see it like its right before my eyes

By myself, time goes by, remember?  
It was so long ago It was a long time ago

I know the lyrics are kind of on the sad and reminiscent side and some of the words have yet to happen, like the making love under the moon part; but I can just imagine what that would be like with her. It would be pure beauty. It would be like looking at a painting of a wispy, cloudy sky with beams of heavenly light peeking through the clouds and heading Earthward; like something out of the Bible. It would be something sacred and borderline Holy. Something, a memory, that no one could take away from us. Something neither of us would ever let go of or give up.

Then, of course, there have been the times when we had watched the sun come up while on a scene or the time she got so emotional over something Grissom had said that she started crying. She was in the locker room and I wanted so much to comfort her that I sat beside her and draped my arm around her shoulder and drew her to me. She cried a lot that time and no matter how much or often I told her that things would be fine, she continued sobbing. I really wanted to throttle Grissom for being such an insensitive ass. She finally stopped crying when I got her home and into bed. She asked me to stay with her until she fell off and that's exactly what I did. I actually fell off as well and didn't wake up until her alarm went off. By that time she was still in a right state and I didn't think her fit to go in to work that evening, so I called the lab and called her in sick, as well as myself.

That night was spent mostly in silence, with the two of us on the couch watching some re-runs of Stargate SG-1 and talking about what had gotten her so worked up earlier that day. Apparently she was trying to have a serious conversation with him about the case she was working on and he had made some typically Grissom-ish insensitive remark. Admittedly, it was that time of the month for her so she was already moody and Grissom's remark just added fuel to the fire. She stomped out of his office and made a bee-line for the locker room where I found her. I don't know what she sees in Grissom. I mean, he's emotionally stunted, distant, insensitive and at times can be really quite callous. In my opinion Sara deserves someone much better, someone who's in touch with their feelings, sensitive to their partner's needs and willing and able to listen and talk problems out. Admittedly, I fit the category, but I don't believe she sees me in that light. I think she sees me more as a good friend than a potential partner. I'd certainly have more to offer in the emotional and communication categories than Grissom would. Whenever things get tough for him emotionally, he shuts down and his emotional walls go up; stonewalling everyone.

Sara -------------

We're still standing on the corner and Jim's got this far off look on his face. It looks like he's remembering something pleasant because he's got a slight smile on his wonderfully thin lips. I love his face; every feature of it, from his eyebrows to his wattle. His eyes are like the window to his soul, and believe me, despite his hard and gruff exterior I know he's got a beautiful soul. It really shows when he's with children. I think that of he'd had more time when Ellie was growing up she wouldn't be such a loser bitch. I can imagine that if he had another chance at being a father to a child he'd make more time, be more attentive and sensitive to his child's needs. You should just see him on crime scenes where children are involved; his inner child just comes out and makes him even more beautiful than he already is.

He hasn't let go of my hand and to be honest it feels good to hold the hand of a true friend and possibly more. I don't believe he sees me in the way that I do. He's a good man with a tremendous heart. I've seen him shine in so many different lights; I think I might know him better than any other team member. Sometimes we go out for meals, sometimes we sit at his house and watch movies or go out to the movies; but always as friends. it's the ways in which we act like more than friends that kind of puzzles me. He's not afraid to hold my hand, we've shared a bed on more than one occasion (always as sleeping companions)  
and we've even taken vacations together.

Last year we went on a cruise for two weeks to the Caribbean and it was great. Yeah, we shared a suite and bed, but nothing untoward ever went on. The closest we came to doing anything was when I woke up one morning and Jim had his arm draped over my stomach and his right leg across my legs. I must admit that it felt good to sleep with a man without having to worry about the sexual aspect, but in all truth, if he'd made an advance I just might have taken him up on it.


End file.
